Sunday, February 18, 2007

Strange happenings when Vanderbilt beats the #1 team in the country



After Vanderbilt's stunning upset of number one ranked Florida on Saturday (yesterday), the above picture was on the ESPN Men's College BB front page. Apparently since John Amaechi came out of the closet, ESPN is attempting to "out" anyone they can find - whether they are gay or not. But seriously, of all the pictures they could have published on the front page, they choose this one? Congratulations to Vanderbilt, by the way.

Tuesday, February 13, 2007

The brain of a 7-year NBA veteran

After watching my beloved Louisville Cardinals dismember Pitt last night, I obeyed ESPN and stayed tuned for the rematch of Oklahoma State at Texas. After the game ended, however, I was not thinking about how amazing Kevin Durant was with his 21 points and 12 rebounds. Personally, I couldn’t stop laughing at one of the announcer’s comments that D.J. Augustin “has the brain of a 7 year NBA veteran…He reminds me of Jameer Nelson.”

After I stopped laughing, though, I thought to myself, “Wow, what an incredible point!” That is, if you understand what comprises the brain of a 7-year veteran. Why not a 6 year veteran, or even an 8 year veteran, you may ask? Well let’s take a look at these actual 7-year NBA veterans and see what it exactly means to have one of their brains.

1. Steve Francis – To have the brain of this seven-year veteran, one must have many qualities. This includes driving while intoxicated and ignoring criticism calling him selfish and a defensive liability. Additionally, if you do not like a decision that is made, you have to cry, as he so (in)famously did when the Chicago Bulls drafted Elton Brand with the number one pick instead of him in 1999.

2. Shawn Marion – Marion may be a smart guy, but he wasn’t thinking very well when he got the tattoo on his leg. The tattoo is intended to be the Japanese representation of his nickname, The Matrix. However, when translated literally into English, it really says “demon bird moth balls.” At least Shawn didn’t end up with something like this: http://www.upi.com/NewsTrack/Quirks/20070122-061951-4671r/

3. Jason Terry – This seven-year veteran is my personal role model in how he prepares for games – the man completely and utterly suffers from OCD. The night before a game, he sleeps in the opposing team’s game shorts – he currently has 22 different teams and shorts from Mike Bibby and Gilbert Arenas. He wears five pairs of socks every game because he is superstitious. Five pairs! Let me think about that for a second – yeah, that’s 5 days worth of socks for most normal people. Then again, Jason Terry is not most normal people – he is a seven-year veteran of the NBA, and his brain obviously works a little differently than ours.

4. Ron Artest – Last but certainly not least, Ron Artest and his shenanigans need no introduction. After instigating the “Malice at the Palace” by telling Ben Wallace to “suck my b*lls” (The Smoking Gun), Artest told ESPN that he would like to square off against the big man in the boxing ring. Unfortunately for all of us who enjoy high comedy and unusual entertainment at the expense of others, this did not occur. But that is not all; as an NBA player, Ron-Ron has applied for a job at Circuit City (for the employee discount), come to practice wearing a bathrobe, and asked for a month off because he was tired from promoting an album for his production label. As if these incidents are not indicative of his insanity, when asked about taking medications for his behavior, Artest said, “I’ve never taken medication (to control moods) in my life. Doctors have suggested it and I say, ‘OK, give it to me.’ But then I go home and throw it in the garbage.” Ladies and gentleman…Ron Artest, seven-year veteran of the NBA.

If this is what D.J. Augustin is now, then he has a lot to look forward to – like having the brain of an 8-year veteran such as Bonzi Wells, a GQ “Top 10 Most Hated Athlete.” But let’s not look too far ahead; right now he is merely a freshman in college with “the brain of a 7-year NBA veteran” who reminds one ESPN announcer of Jameer Nelson, a 2-year NBA veteran. And yes, this makes very little sense.

Truth.

Thursday, February 8, 2007

An apparently unsolvable dilemma comparable to what happens when an immovable object meets an unstoppable force

“If you have it, you don’t need it. If you need it, you don’t have it. If you have it, you need more of it; if you have more of it, you don’t need less of it. You need it to get it, and you certainly need it to get more of it. But if you don’t already have any of it to begin with, you can’t get any of it to get started, which means you really have no idea how to get it in the first place, do you? You can share, sure. You can even stockpile if you like, but you can’t fake it. Wanting it, needing it, wishing for it. The point is, if you’ve never had any of it – ever – people just seem to know.”

I am writing this blog in order to obtain a little bit of what Bruce Campbell was speaking about in this Old Spice commercial: experience. How does that relate to Old Spice? Well, you take your own guess. Right now, I am in the middle of searching for a job, and as a recent college graduate who does not want to pursue a career in his field of study, commerce, I am certainly lacking “it” while trying to obtain a job in the magazine/publishing/journalism industry. Might I add that it is no fun to be told over and over again that my credentials are not what an employer wants. Ouch. Here’s the most recent rejection letter:


Mr. XXXXXXXX,
Your resume and letter did arrive and I have reviewed them. While you clearly have many skills, I need an experienced editor with a proven track record. Based and your resume I feel that you don’t have the work experience that I think is necessary to do the job.
Thank you for taking the time to apply.

Sincerely,

YYYY YYYY


My favorite part about this rejection letter is not the poor format but the blatant grammatical error. If I were less of a person, I might become violently enraged and email Mr. YYYY to tell him how dense he is for saying, “Based and your resume…” rather than, “Based on your resume…” Seriously, this is a magazine editor writing me this rejection, and he cannot use proper grammar. Suspect, if you ask me.

Using that logic, I might even be able to convince myself that I didn’t want this job because I wouldn’t want to work for someone so obtuse. Alright, I know that’s not the case – let’s face it, I would have loved to have this job. Still, given time I just might be able to deceive myself into thinking that.

So here I face a roadblock. I really want to enter the magazine/publishing/journalism industry in one capacity or another. However, how do I get experience when no one is willing to hire anyone without it? As Bruce Campbell said, “But if you don’t already have any of it to begin with, you can’t get any of it to get started, which means you really have no idea how to get it in the first place, do you?” No, Mr. Campbell, I don’t. Thank you for the reminder – now I am no longer just reminded of this while I am applying and getting rejected from jobs, but also while I try to relax and watch a game on TV.

The Origin of JAC

JAC. That is the name I have chosen to refer to myself on this blog for a number of reasons. First, I figure I must have a name. What if I go somewhere or tell some story. God forbid, what if people even actually read this. For any and all of those reasons, I figure it is beneficial to have a name.

Additionally, you see, it is imperative that one have/use an intriguing name. Whether it is interesting in origin, funny to read/hear, catchy, powerful, strong, clever, witty, easy to remember, etc., I believe it is important to have an intriguing name. Is JAC interesting? Well, I certainly think it is clever and witty in a way. Anyways, here was my process in deciding how to refer to myself.

I have been told that my real name, which I will not say, sounds very strong and one that a person would love to have on their letterhead. However, I will not be using that because I don’t feel comfortable having my name on the Internet. Furthermore, what if I am to write something controversial and provocative which could cost me a job in the future? Additionally, I just don’t like people knowing that I am writing sometimes. So my own birth name is out.

I thought of taking a real pseudonym as an author does a penname, but decided against that. I mean, come on; this is a blog – I am not doing anything important, but only writing tidbits and other sorts that simply interest me. All in all, taking a real pseudonym would make me feel a little self-righteous.

I like to be funny – rather, I should say, I like to amuse myself. If I sometimes am able to amuse others in the process, so be it. I thought of using the name of my favorite video game character – Stryker from Mortal Kombat III – because the story about why he is my favorite is hilarious. And when I say it is hilarious, I mean that I am highly amused by it whether or not anyone else finds it funny. However, I decided against it after googling the name and finding little of value. I mean, the Stryker I know and love is not even in the top 10 search results for Google. What kind of name would I be representing?

Then I thought about people. Generally speaking, I don’t like them all that much. People, that is. However, those few that I do enjoy and, probably more likely, those few that enjoy me and my humor – call them friends if you will – refer to me as being cynical and jaded. And think, they don’t even hear my inner monologue. Ultimately, my cynicism and jaded analyses are evidently humorous to other people besides yours truly.

So there you have it. If you are stupid, then I’m sorry, but I am not going to spell out any more clearly from where JAC came. The thing is, there probably are some people who don’t understand it. And that right there is exactly why I have become and will remain Jaded And Cynical.