The brain of a 7-year NBA veteran

After watching my beloved Louisville Cardinals dismember Pitt last night, I obeyed ESPN and stayed tuned for the rematch of Oklahoma State at Texas. After the game ended, however, I was not thinking about how amazing Kevin Durant was with his 21 points and 12 rebounds. Personally, I couldn’t stop laughing at one of the announcer’s comments that D.J. Augustin “has the brain of a 7 year NBA veteran…He reminds me of Jameer Nelson.”

After I stopped laughing, though, I thought to myself, “Wow, what an incredible point!” That is, if you understand what comprises the brain of a 7-year veteran. Why not a 6 year veteran, or even an 8 year veteran, you may ask? Well let’s take a look at these actual 7-year NBA veterans and see what it exactly means to have one of their brains.

1. Steve Francis – To have the brain of this seven-year veteran, one must have many qualities. This includes driving while intoxicated and ignoring criticism calling him selfish and a defensive liability. Additionally, if you do not like a decision that is made, you have to cry, as he so (in)famously did when the Chicago Bulls drafted Elton Brand with the number one pick instead of him in 1999.

2. Shawn Marion – Marion may be a smart guy, but he wasn’t thinking very well when he got the tattoo on his leg. The tattoo is intended to be the Japanese representation of his nickname, The Matrix. However, when translated literally into English, it really says “demon bird moth balls.” At least Shawn didn’t end up with something like this: http://www.upi.com/NewsTrack/Quirks/20070122-061951-4671r/

3. Jason Terry – This seven-year veteran is my personal role model in how he prepares for games – the man completely and utterly suffers from OCD. The night before a game, he sleeps in the opposing team’s game shorts – he currently has 22 different teams and shorts from Mike Bibby and Gilbert Arenas. He wears five pairs of socks every game because he is superstitious. Five pairs! Let me think about that for a second – yeah, that’s 5 days worth of socks for most normal people. Then again, Jason Terry is not most normal people – he is a seven-year veteran of the NBA, and his brain obviously works a little differently than ours.

4. Ron Artest – Last but certainly not least, Ron Artest and his shenanigans need no introduction. After instigating the “Malice at the Palace” by telling Ben Wallace to “suck my b*lls” (The Smoking Gun), Artest told ESPN that he would like to square off against the big man in the boxing ring. Unfortunately for all of us who enjoy high comedy and unusual entertainment at the expense of others, this did not occur. But that is not all; as an NBA player, Ron-Ron has applied for a job at Circuit City (for the employee discount), come to practice wearing a bathrobe, and asked for a month off because he was tired from promoting an album for his production label. As if these incidents are not indicative of his insanity, when asked about taking medications for his behavior, Artest said, “I’ve never taken medication (to control moods) in my life. Doctors have suggested it and I say, ‘OK, give it to me.’ But then I go home and throw it in the garbage.” Ladies and gentleman…Ron Artest, seven-year veteran of the NBA.

If this is what D.J. Augustin is now, then he has a lot to look forward to – like having the brain of an 8-year veteran such as Bonzi Wells, a GQ “Top 10 Most Hated Athlete.” But let’s not look too far ahead; right now he is merely a freshman in college with “the brain of a 7-year NBA veteran” who reminds one ESPN announcer of Jameer Nelson, a 2-year NBA veteran. And yes, this makes very little sense.

Truth.